Never Ever
by CreamoCrop
Summary: "John Watson's Fool Proof Guide in Wooing Your Pathologist." Because even geniuses can be dumb and clueless.
1. Chapter 1

**1. Never ****ever,**** under any circumstance, ask her out for coffee.**

Knowing you and your wonderful way with words, asking her out for coffee would most likely end up sounding like one of these:

"I want coffee, Molly"

"Shall we have coffee?"

"Coffee?"

All of which, under the light of your history with her, would sound like you are merely ordering her to make you a cup.

Don't you dare snort! We both know this is true.

Don't expect her to instantly understand what you are trying to say. No, I am not belittling her intelligence, I am just taking things into consideration. You have never offered to buy a cup of coffee for anyone, much more make one, or to be more accurate, make one that is not mixed with hallocinogens that would make someone think that they are being hunted by ahound and thus, driving them to their wits' end while you kick back in the surveillance room and watch as that certain someone go through a traumatic experience.

Just don't do anything that involves offering her a cup of coffee.

Yes, that also means that making her a cup won't do you any good.

If you do offer her a cup of coffee instead of asking her out to have one, she'll most likely end up looking at you with shifty eyes.

Oh, I don't doubt that she'll accept it, but don't be offended if she either "accidentally" slipped and spilled the cup or chuck the dark liquid into the sink or in a plant pot while you are not looking.

She reads my blog and knows what happened in Baskervilles.

Tea might give you a small leeway, but make sure that she sees how you prepared it and always take the first sip because that will assure her that she's not a subject of one of your bizarre experiments.

**2. Drop the chips.**

People actually eat proper meals. Just because you don't eat well, doesn't mean that a packet of Quavers could be categorized as lunch, dinner and most definitely, breakfast. She works a full shift Sherlock! Sometimes she even works more than that because of you. She needs the energy to execute her job properly. Not to mention that every now and then, she has to deal with a man-child that occassionally barges-in with his upturned collar for a cool effect.

Yes, you read it right. I did call you **that. **

The least you can do, is to actually take her out on a proper meal.

Maybe you can bring her to Angelo's. I'm sure that he'll be more than happy to see you in his restaurant. He'll put out a candle, serve his best meals that I'm sure she will like and he will surely regale her with your "heroic" deed.

In fact, do bring her to his restaurant.

A good meal plus a good word - that's hitting two birds with one stone!

**3. Ease up on the observations.**

**I know that you are merely stating the facts, but sometimes, truth is so bland that it could hurt. Even if you don't see anything wrong with, or even perhaps, you prefer her small lips, you have to express it in a more tactful manner.**

Remember, those are the same lips you want to kiss.

There is no point in trying to deny that so stop glaring at this, or at me.

Don't just try and tell her how beautiful you think she is, make her feel it.

**4. Toby is her cat. Her cat is Toby. Therefore, get your hands off of him.**

The furball is a non-negotable part of being in a relationship with her and if you dare to try and experiment on the cat, you'll definitely be back to steeling glances from behind the microscope.

Yes, I **know** you do this. Lestrade knows you do this. Mike Stamford knows too. Mrs. Hudson as well. I think the only person that doesn't know is Molly, herself.

**5. No matter how morbidly romantic it is, stop giving her a heart.**

Especially since you just leave it on her desk, without any note.

She already notified Lestrade that for the past three days, she walks into her desk, only to see a preserved heart sitting suspiciously in the middle of her paperwork.

As ordinary as it is, a Valentines card is more effective and also less psychotic.


	2. Chapter 2

**6. Going to a crime scenes does not count as a date. **

Unless of course your date location becomes a crime scene, which in your case has a _very _high probability of happening.

I think a dead man with a missing head, as well as Lestrade and I and even the rest of Scotland Yard - no wait - make that _the rest of humanity ,_would prefer that you paw in the crime scene while being your arrogant know-it-all-self because you are trying to solve a case, rather than having you walk around and showing off to a woman by deducing that the blood splutter and jagged lacerations in the flesh indicate the use of a blunt bone saw on a conscious victim.

Seeing you trying to impress her, will be cute but very _disturbing _to watch as well.

7. **Related to Tip # 6, make sure that she actually ****_knows _****that she's going on a date.**

I should have placed this higher in the list, because it's more likely that she'll end up going out with you under the impression that it's all for a cover up.

When you ask her out on a date –actually, **_when _**_will you ask her on a date?_- make sure that the words, "you", "me" and "date" are not used in the same sentence or paragraph with the words "case" and "help".

In fact, you don't need those two words. Really, it is not that hard. All you have to say are eight words in the right order.

_"Will you go on a date with me?"_

Once you have said it, **shut up** and wait as she takes it in. If you're lucky, she'll touch your forehead and ask if you are sick. If not, she'll laugh at you.

Don't try to do or say something witty in an attempt to salvage your ego.

It needs to be sunk once in a while.

Just look on the bright side. If it's the first, then at least you get physical contact, if it is the second then at least you made her smile. Once she's finished laughing or making sure that neither you nor she is sick and hallucinating, repeat those eight words with a serious voice and a sincere face.

She'll immediately understand that it is a _real _date.

At that point, you'll either end up spilling your repressed emotions or cradling the body of a passed-out pathologist.

Again, look at the bright side. You'll either make her smile again or you'll have physical contact. Either way, when she gets around it, you won't find yourself spending a night with her while keeping up the pretense that the harmless manager is actually a drug lord.

**8. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Get used to it.**

I know that you are no longer a boy.

_Physically._

Nor are you merely a "friend" by that time, but that is what you are, or will be – a _boyfriend. _

I have read that having a proper term helps in avoiding awkward situations. Bad luck for you, the term used nowadays is "boyfriend". It is not immature, it's _proper. _Besides, in every sense of the word, that is what you are going to be - a _boy_ or a male who is a _friend _that will always be there for her and will always be a presence that she can turn to.

But if you really insist that you are not a _boyfriend, _then fine we won't refer to you as Molly's boyfriend.

I guess you'll be her…_loverboy. _

9. **Shakespeare is free. Use him.**

He is famous partly because of people like you – desperates who don't have silver tongues.

I think Molly would prefer being compared to a summer's day than to a cold corpse lying on a slab, despite it belonging to a previous beauty queen.

**10. Unless the microbe is part of the GIANTmicrobe Heart-Warming Mini Microbe box, a culture of mono microbes is not equal to a bouquet of roses.**

I know that mono is also known as kissing disease, but a petri dish of it won't get you anywhere near kissing.

* * *

**A/N The Heart-Warming Microbe box is a cute box of plushie microbes that includes a mono microbe, a sperm cell, egg cell, penicillin and pink amoeba. In my headcanon, Molly either owns one, or Sherlock finally gets around buying her one for valentines - of course, under the suggestion/coersion of John.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N. Yanking up the rating because of John's smoothness...and because Sherlock really needs advice in specific topics...**

* * *

**11. Don't overuse the hurt card.**

I know Molly is used to fixing your injuries –she said she was your "first-aid kit" during the years when you were playing dead- or in general just _fixing _you, but remember that this is not a Nightingale role play. You may be the one suffering the physical pain, but she is also sustaining a _different kind _of pain every time she has to patch you up.

Seeing someone you love get hurt can inflict _that_ kind of pain.

She cares for you Sherlock, so no matter how much you relish the pampering or the physical contact, always keep in mind that with every cut that she has to bandage or with every bone that she has to set, she feels as much, if not more than the pain that you physically feel.

Besides, insisting that she attend to your injuries when I, _a __**doctor**__ who had been with you from the moment you received the bruises __**hours before**__, _is standing just two feet away from you is both silly and obvious.

However, please keep in mind that I have no complaints _whatsoever _if you ever need any help in sustaining a bruise or two.

**12. ** **No matter what your intentions are, stalking is creepy, so please stop.**

Although she dismissed it as "her silliness" she told me yesterday that sometimes she feels like she's being watched. No matter how many times you say that it is for "surveillance", what you are really doing is "stalking" and following her ten feet away and docking in corners while wearing a moustache is what stalkers do and it is clearly making her uncomfortable.

If you are really worried about her safety, you can just _escort _her home. It will do you more good because you can spend more time with her and get enclosed in a tiny, albeit sometimes smelly, space with as much privacy as a cab can give. Plus, you might even get invited to her flat - not that you ever needed an invitation because I know you break in her house, something that you should stop doing as well.

Besides, you are never shy when it comes to hacking Mycroft's CCTV database so I guess you can always monitor her travels from your laptop.

Speaking of Mycroft, please tell him that a black car is not as conspicuous as he thinks it is so he can either make it go away, or offer Molly a ride.

**13. Breaking in her house is done by thieves, not potential boyfriends.**

Unless there is a valid reason- and by valid I mean you think she is in danger and not simply because you were bored or you just really wanted to see her- breaking and entering into her flat is a criminal offense.

I know that you are used to coming and going to her flat when you were "dead", but you have been alive for a year now. From Molly's point of view, you don't have any reason to keep coming back to her flat and she told me that the only reason she allows you to keep picking her locks is because she knows that you are a man of habit. I think that she is under the impression that you will go into either a catatonic state or hyperventilate like a spoiled brat if she banishes you from _her _flat.

Be thankful that she is very considerate of you, but don't try and stretch it too far because if there is one thing that you should really be good at in a relationship, that is learning what "personal space" is.

Learn to respect her privacy and personal space, and I am pretty sure that soon you will know how _private _and how _personal _a space can get.

**14. The empty slide you are staring at has a bigger chance of being taken back to her flat than you, if you continue to make her take an overtime.**

St. Bart's lab is designed for experiments that involve beakers with chemicals and slides that have cultures or cross sections. Not the kind of _experiment _that involves sitting in front of a microscope, pretending to look busy when in truth you mounted an empty slide and is only using the vantage point to stare at the pathologist who you guilt-tripped into staying past her work time simply because you still can't work up the nerve to ask her out on a date.

If it helps (or not), Molly actually knows that sometimes you are only staring at an empty slide and you don't really need her help in any experiment and therefore knows that she does not really need to stay. I think it shows a lot about her wonderful character that she stays despite knowing the truth but that does not mean you should continue keeping her after hours in the lab.

Be grateful (or not, again) that she does not suspect something else entirely with regards to your "experiment" ploy.

If you can't build enough confidence to say "Please go out on a date with me" –a seemingly misplaced behavior from a man who had the audacity to tell the Prime minister that the scent of his after shave is costing the country lots of economic deals – at least let her go home and rest rather than making her suffer so that you can ogle her from afar.

Yes, what you are doing qualifies as _ogling_.

**15. When I said learn the ****_art of the birds and the bees, _****I was being ****_indelicate. _**

I thought it would be helpful for you since I think you need some guidance in that area.

Clearly, you really _need guidance._

_The Perfumed Garden._

_Kama Sutra. _

Not beekeeping.

Although I suppose you can utilize the honey _somehow_…


End file.
